how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
