I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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