i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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