We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
