My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
