just survived the first fart of the relationship.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
