Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
