please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
