please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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