I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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