I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
