He is an equal opportunity slut.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
