I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
