I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize