I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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