you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
