It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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