We won't sleep together?
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
