you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
