Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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