I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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