dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
