We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
