I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
