I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
There are leaves in my underwear?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
