the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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