I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize