if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
