she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
