So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Drunk is a universal language darling
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
