Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
my poor anus
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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