theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
How's work?
Spinning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Randomize
