I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
