and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
