Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
