like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
3pm strippers are depressing
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize