Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
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