I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
