Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
