I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
