I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
