Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
