I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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