Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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