I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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