I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
being pregnant is like rehab
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
