So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
