A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
