I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
