You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
