he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
