i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
