Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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