I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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