I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
