Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
