i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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