don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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