You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
