his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
