I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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